Poor the Carlos (not pictured). Carlos, it has to be said is not Japanese, but during the course of my research into Chikan Activities he’s popped up – Man of the Month no-less for July 2002 on a Japanese English-language forum – Frottophilia (not a place for the faint-hearted). He’s from Venezuela and his posts had me giggling at the unintentionally humour of a self-confessed, rubbish Chikan. Here for you to read is my favourite post (unedited):
I could not succeed in the BOSTON subway
I lived 2 years in Boston. It is a beautiful city, but I was not successful there as a chikan.
Things that went badly:
1)I was beaten up on my ribs by one war veteran working as a subway secret police, because I groped one teenager. She sounded the alarm and yelled.
2) Another war veteran secret police beat my genitals because I groped one Chinese student, and she yelled and asked for help.
3) I was blinded for few minutes by one security lady who was off duty, because I tried to grope her and she detected me. She used a sulfuric acid spray on me. Fortunately, she did not used the full charge of acid, just a sprinkle to blind me for few minutes.
4) One Japanese girl hurt my left foot with the heel of her boots and yelled “Chikan, Chikan, Chikan”, because I tried to rub up against her.
5) One French tourist asked me to have a French style duel with him, because I tried to grope his 15-year-old daughter in the trolley of the subway, and he noticed it.
6) One trolley driver stopped the trolley in the middle of the way I told me to get out the trolley, because I was groping one business woman who complained to him.
7) One police officer threatened me with one non lethal weapon that discharges electricity.
8) Two police officers shouted at me, and told me loudly to “f**k-off” the subway system, because I used to switch cars of the subway frequently, when I was groping.
9) One secret security lady told me loudly that she was a hand gun shooter, and that she could leave me without shitting and without ever never have an erection by shooting my anus.
I could not be a successful chikan in Boston,
Succeed? You already have mate! Research can be such an arduous task, but real-life confessions when mixed with bad English makes the load feel lighter every time.